Whither shall I go from thy spirit? Breast Cancer post #3

Tamara’s story:
1. O taste and see that the Lord is good! A Breast Cancer Story
2. God’s Plan, Not Mine – Breast Cancer post #2

Part 3
Biopsies revealed that I did indeed have breast cancer, in each breast. The lump that prompted me to go in and see a doctor was the little sister, treatable by hormone therapy.  The big sister, undetected by mammogram, ultrasound and hands, is another character. This one needs serious chemo to treat it, is much larger and has started to metastasize, or spread. Sad to say, my breasts are no longer like two young roes that are twins.

Not Alone

The most frightening part of the entire trial so far was coming up next – testing to see if my cancer had spread to any of my organs, including my brain and my bones. But this is also where it gets the most exciting. Yes, you know it – my Saviour and Friend Jesus shows up! If you don’t know Him, or know what it is like to know that He is right there by your side, I beg you to search for Him. God is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him! (Hebrews 11:6) 

MRI’s are funny things. First, the operator tells me that if I move at all, it’s okay, but we would need to stop the process and do it again another day. Then he asks if I wanted music and of course I did. In a pinch to choose quickly I chose Chris Rice Pandora radio. (Calming Christian music) While I’m thinking to myself that I’m thankful I’m not claustrophobic, the clicking begins.  It takes great concentration to try to hear the music. Just when you focus in on it, ever so slightly, a new and much louder click joins the first one. It actually made me chuckle. Then I remembered I couldn’t move. Once settled in I was gobbled up by fear. I was there, after all, because cancer may have invaded my entire body. I started to breathe heavily, then again remembered I couldn’t move.  This is where it gets good. Real good…

I Know That I Know…

I knew that I knew that I knew that Jesus slipped right in there beside me. No one takes your breath away quite like Him. His very presence stills all fears and turns them into utter joy. His charity enveloped me. He didn’t ask me to walk on the raging water with Him this time. Instead, in that moment, He calmed the storm. Just then the song “Your Grace Still Amazes Me” by Phillips, Craig and Dean came on. (And I could hear it!) To get a better understanding of why I started to hyperventilate, here are the lyrics…

“Your Grace Still Amazes Me”

My faithful Father, Enduring Friend
Your tender mercy is like a river with no end
it overwhelms me covers my sin
each time I come into Your presence I stand in wonder once again

Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day I fall on my knees
’cause Your grace still amazes me

Your grace still amazes me
Oh patient Savior, You make me whole
You are the author and the healer of my soul
what can I give You Lord what can I say

I know there’s no way to repay You only to offer You my praise
Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day I fall on my knees
cause Your grace still amazes me
Your grace still amazes me

It’s deeper, It’s wider, It’s stronger, It’s higher
It’s deeper, It’s wider, It’s stronger, It’s higher
than anything my eyes can see
Your grace still amazes me

Your love is still a mystery
each day I fall on my knees
cause Your grace still amazes me
Your grace still amazes me

I deserve no such thing as this grace of God, yet he lavishes it on me when I need Him the most. There is no hiding place on this beautiful earth that He will not find me, and shower me with blessings untold. Not even an MRI.

The Runaway Bunny 

The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown, (Illustrated by Clement Hurd, and first published in 1942) was one of my favorite books to read to my children. It wasn’t until many years later while reading Psalm 139, that I realized where Margaret got the story from – there is no new thing under the sun. And there is nowhere else I would rather be, than in the constant and continuous care of my heavenly Father. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me! 

Thou hast beset me behind and before,
and laid thine hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
Whither shall I go from thy spirit?
or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there:
if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
If I take the wings of the morning, and
dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
Even there shall thy hand lead me,
and thy right hand shall hold me.
(Psalm 139: 5-10)

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